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Living with “No”

20 Sep

It wasn’t too long ago that my husband and I were living with, “Yes.”  And with, Yes, came some fun opportunities.  Hollywood parties, cavorting with celebrities.  Travel possibilities.  In fact, Yes is quite fun to be around.  She is very pleasing on the eyes.  Her scent is fresh throughout the day.  Yes is never tired, she is never boring.  She is a grand adventure!  The morning was exciting to wake up to, while she made our life her home.  But then slowly, one packed suitcase at a time, she began her move away from our world.  Oh she was kind about her departure.  Never once did she utter an unkind word.  She left no abrasive lesions upon us, and even her scent lingered for a while–long after her goodbye was said.  I miss her as our house guest.  Her presence brought sunshine when the sky provided none.  She, was a friend I like to have.  “Yes” is good company.

…now we are living with “No.”

No, is not so bad.  He, too, is not unkind.  Nor is he selfish.  But No, is blase.  He bears no scent.  He shines no light.  Being with him provides no adventure.  And travel does not seem to be to his liking.  And while he is a part of our life, our chores seem more abundant.  The spring in our step not so springy.  The gray of the day permeates, and sleep does not bring sufficient rest.  Though I would prefer to exchange his presence for his predecessor, it seems the good Lord has it in His will for us to entertain the present house guest a while longer (another aspect to No is the end of his stay is occluded, thus leaving us in the dark as to when he departs).

I honestly wouldn’t mind his living with us so much, but while having him here I have picked up certain habits that I’m not too fond of.  For instance, while living with Yes, I was motivated to care for myself and invest in activities that provoked excitement.  Waking up to No every day, I am struggling to even remember what those things were that used to motivate me.  Funny thing is, No doesn’t take up too much space but his stature hovers over much of our life.  So much so that I find myself pulling in ear marks of Yes, such as in my clothing, to help offset the drudgery of No.  For instance, I have resurrected my 1970’s floral print pants and am wearing them in circumstances of monotony (such as to the Long Beach VA).  Vintage Floral Pants

I have also taken to wearing a dress while walking the dogs.  Who needs exercise clothing when one can sweat in style!  I admit, the Nike’s are not the best accessory to my Leon Max creations, nor my Brian Bent’s for that matter.  But I am finding a glimmer of joy within the sheer absurdity of how I look as I ambulate, perspire, and shine while ‘Mutt and Jeff’ tag along on leash. 🙂

Fashion by Brian Bent

A Brian Bent original

I even thought I would fool my freeloading boarder by deciding to grow out my hair.  That’s right, my hair grows whether No wants it to or not.  However,  yesterday as I was readying myself to leave the house my daughter shyly asked, “Do you like your hair like that?”  To which I answered, “NO.”  With a sigh of relief she said, “Oh good.”  ‘Oh good’ was all she gave me…obviously the influence of Yes had worn off of even her.

So here I am, living with No.  He is a tough guy to be around.  And to help offset the heaviness of his presence, I am learning how to use new tools.  You know, the ones in the toolbox that are there but one hopes to not have to use.  One such tool is the “art of redirecting.”  That is right, I am redirecting my thoughts to the time of Yes, when I am faced with another No answer.  Another such tool is the “reminder wrench.”  The reminder wrench is used when thoughts of abandonment try to ease their way into my soul.  I take the wrench and use it to remember the word of encouragement from the Holy Word that says, “I shall never leave you nor forsake you” (Deut 31:6).  And, from the 55th chapter of the book of Isaiah:

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
10 As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
12 You will go out in joy
and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hills
will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
will clap their hands.
13 Instead of the thornbush will grow the juniper,
and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.
This will be for the Lord’s renown,
for an everlasting sign,
that will endure forever.”

The ‘reminder wrench’…a good tool!  I know there are other tools still in the box, untouched.  It could be that I will have to peruse the contents and learn, yet another, instrument of peace, motivation, excitement, and elation before the year is through.  But for now, the ‘redirector’ and the ‘reminder wrench’ are doing the trick.  I have even borrowed a necessary item from my neighbor…the tire pump.  Yep, the tire pump is a good tool to have on hand for when No takes a nap.  Oh the places to go with just a few pumps of air.  More on that next time…

Raleigh bicycle

My Raleigh and Me

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Spam Fried and Personal

23 Aug

I love my spam folder.  I love it  because it holds such promise.  Promise such as emails awaiting me in the folder that say the nicest things.  Things such as, “Hello.  I love your post bringing me super inspired.” And, “Dear Web-admin, much show you nice work…”   Now who wouldn’t love such praise?  Especially as I read the eloquence of the sentence and then scroll over the link from the sender to find an array of pretty, shiny watches or weight loss information.  Isn’t that just the highest compliment one can receive?

Ok I admit my brain is a bit fried which is why I even perused my spam folder in the first place.  Hence the title, “Spam Fried” but feel free to say ‘fried spam’ if that fits your fancy.  Though I assure you, the food from a can will never grace a fry pan o’ mine!

This past weekend, as mentioned in my last post, we attended the wedding of a cousin.  Funny thing is, only a few days before did she reach out and ask my husband to officiate.  So what was going to be, for us, a one day affair turned quickly into much more than that.  In addition to that particular emotional celebration, my little brother proposed to his girl on Sunday.  It was important to him to have all of us present for the proposal (which made for a lot of back and forth driving for us from the coast to the inland), and we are, each and every one, quite touched that he and his betrothed shared the big question in front of family witnesses.  I have only ever been involved in one other proposal, my own.  And being included in his, feels very special.  Alas, a full circle experience!

Yet accompanied with the wedding bell theme…

While down in southern Cal for the weekend, my brother-in-law was offered a job.  A position too wonderful to refuse.  The only caveat (Cole, my son, and I have decided we cannot stand the word “caveat”…it just sounds so pretentious.  Yet it is a good fit, regardless of my judgment of it), it will relocate his family (my sister and her children) and they won’t be ready for the move for at least a year, probably two.  Thus, they will have a commuting husband/father for a quite a while which is not an easy task especially with a newborn and toddler (actually the family dynamic includes a 5 year old niece and a father-in-law as well–but that’s just a little sprinkling of “salt and pepper” to add a bit of spice to life.  Right?).  I know the role of commuting family members is tough on the nuclear unit because I am aware of the difficulty military families go through and also because I have a good friend whose family is enduring the hardship of a similar circumstance.  But all said and done, the job offer is quite a ‘honey’ of a deal…it also means I potentially have more family in southern Cal, which excites my very soul.  Whew, what a weekend!

Additionally, on Monday, of this week, my sixteen year old daughter began her adventure as a full time college student.  Which is a scary thought for her father, her brother, and I because she looks and acts older than 16, yet she is quite naive–though very intelligent and full of wisdom.  Yes, Esther is a ‘college student imposter’.  Ironically, so am I.  I, too, had to return to college this week.  I have an obligation to “endeavor to earn the good grade advanced to me by a most compassionate and understanding teacher” (a class I had to walk away from when my son went into the hospital back in March 2011).  And last night toward the end of a group discussion, the subject of me having a daughter on campus came up.  A fellow compadre, with a shocked look on her face exclaimed, “You have a daughter here?  I thought you were my age!”  Her age being twenty-one.  “No, I even have a son older than my daughter.”  …now that is the kind of compliment I should find in my spam folder, for if those types of good words were present, I would not think twice to approve them for publishing!  So yes, my daughter and I have a sting operation going at our local community college.  Though there is no trepidation for my husband and son, regarding my naivety.

Amidst the above hullabaloo,   I found the time to venture to my local, and favorite, independent movie theater.  And believe it or not, both my daughter and husband were able to be by my side though the decision was a spontaneous one.  We watched a French film titled, “The Intouchables.”  For those of you reading this blog via email, iphone, or ipad, I have included a video link to the trailer.  Essentially, it was one of the best movie’s I have seen in quite a while…since seeing the movie, “Made in Dagenham“.  The three of us became lost in the story, the humor, and the sentimentality.  So much so that we forgot we were reading subtitles.  If you have the ability to venture out to a movie, I highly recommend “The Intouchables.”

The Intouchables movie tickets

Movie Ticket Stubs

Back to Spam Fried and Personal…

This has been one hell of a week!  I use the word, ‘hell’ to give an informal nod to the young Oklahoma valedictorian student who has yet to receive her high school diploma because she used the bad word in her live speech.  At any rate, it really has been a hell of a week.  For that reason, I am hiding behind wedding and family bliss with a little nonsense thrown in for fluff.  I know the good Lord is ‘working things together for good’ because I know that we ‘love him and are called according to his purpose’ (Romans 8:28).  But oh how it hurts, which is where I will leave it.  Now go to the movie theater, and like Mr. Roarke from Fantasy Island used to say, “Smiles, everyone, smiles.”

 

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Look What the Cat Dragged In

17 Aug

I am readying myself to attend a two day wedding affair.  And though such a celebratory event should bring forth prose or poetry reflective of the joyous occasion, I don’t have time to come up with anything at the moment.  The following was written by me during a very dark time in my life.  No, not last year when my son Cole was diagnosed with the brain tumor.  It was written in 2008, six months after I had nursed my mother-in-law through horrific suffering and then removal of life support.  I came across this writing while searching my files for a piece I had written on love.  If anything, I can look back at my struggle to live by faith and realize that a yielded spirit to the will of G-d, above all else, brings forth a great presence of peace.  It is almost as if my time with her was a ‘boot-camp’ preparation for what was awaiting me(us) with my son’s diagnosis.  At any rate, I don’t have much time to ramble on about it because I need to pack my case and hit the road.  Take from it what you like, or leave it all together.

“I was just thinking…

My package is being torn apart…the package I bought into.  If I do this, I will yield that.  And I have done this, and it hasn’t yielded what I expected.  The fault is putting my faith in the package, not in G-d’s will above all else.  And while I am getting to a place where I am willing and fully accepting of G-d’s will and not putting expectation in the package, the disappointment, for me, lies in my disillusionment with my failed expectations.  Thus, the pain, or hardship, for me is in the inner struggle I still have between G-d’s will and what I thought my actions or faith would yield.  No man can fix that!  The words of men cannot comfort me here.  I am on my own with G-d and his timing to meet me in this.” 4/2008

I am happy to report that the good Lord did meet me.  He brought me out of the darkness and I have not been without his peace since.  Even when,  a year or so ago, my son looked as if he would be a vegetable for life.  Our G-d is faithful.  The great ‘I AM’ can be trusted.  My son is not a vegetable and we are not alone in our struggles.

Blessed be the name of the Lord.

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