The Sojourn

These last five years, respectively, have been full of difficult journeys.  I have lived in and come out of the abyss of depression.  Had my version of 2+2=4 transformed to “two plus two equals anything but 4”.  Have lost more loved ones to disease or accidental death than one person should have to endure in such a short period of time.  Learned to “get back in” to academia while carrying on as wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend, and employee.  And most recently have worked my faith to the point of exhaustion as my son’s life, and ours, have been transformed by him having a cancerous brain tumor and the disabilities which resulted from its removal.  Not to mention my new induction into the indefatigable bureaucracy of the Marine Corps, Department of Defense (DOD), and the U.S. Department of Veteran’s Affairs (VA), all of which attempt to keep me occupied in an maze of very sticky red tape.  And as I navigate, what seems to be a very difficult, yet rich in love–life, I find myself contemplating whether the unending hardships have anything to do with my age.  And if so, will it just continue to get worse?!  The following analogous tale I have formulated to help me through my ponderings…

I see my stage of life being akin to the teenage years.  When in those years the precious child begins to transform and with his or her transformation pain ensues.  It is the pain of letting go, growing up, moving on.  It is painful for the parent who through infliction only, realizes their son or daughter is becoming an independent adult.  Yet it is the infliction which allows the natural progression to occur.  What I mean is that one cannot fathom offering “good riddance” to an elementary aged child, yet by the time the eighteen year marker falls upon that once-innocent-being, the parent is packing the suitcase for the child and eagerly (though with tears) insisting they take up residence under the care of the unattached university.  The growing pains of the teenaged years sets the stage for the “next step”, the giant leap into adulthood which each of us has to take.

So here I am, in my forties; yet facing the whole of life as if I am a teenager.  Seeing the continuous pain of loss and tragedy as a means of helping to move me forward, preparing me to detach from my “parent”–this earthly life, so that I may be ready to transition when the time comes with a knowing and a peace that I am moving in the right direction.  And with this view, I can embrace all that life brings forth, unburdened by my trials for I know they are part of the ride.  And though I complain of exhaustion, I do get rest.  My father in Heaven is faithful to give me that, as I sojourn in this place for a spell.

Enjoying the ride…