I am readying myself to attend a two day wedding affair. And though such a celebratory event should bring forth prose or poetry reflective of the joyous occasion, I don’t have time to come up with anything at the moment. The following was written by me during a very dark time in my life. No, not last year when my son Cole was diagnosed with the brain tumor. It was written in 2008, six months after I had nursed my mother-in-law through horrific suffering and then removal of life support. I came across this writing while searching my files for a piece I had written on love. If anything, I can look back at my struggle to live by faith and realize that a yielded spirit to the will of G-d, above all else, brings forth a great presence of peace. It is almost as if my time with her was a ‘boot-camp’ preparation for what was awaiting me(us) with my son’s diagnosis. At any rate, I don’t have much time to ramble on about it because I need to pack my case and hit the road. Take from it what you like, or leave it all together.
“I was just thinking…
My package is being torn apart…the package I bought into. If I do this, I will yield that. And I have done this, and it hasn’t yielded what I expected. The fault is putting my faith in the package, not in G-d’s will above all else. And while I am getting to a place where I am willing and fully accepting of G-d’s will and not putting expectation in the package, the disappointment, for me, lies in my disillusionment with my failed expectations. Thus, the pain, or hardship, for me is in the inner struggle I still have between G-d’s will and what I thought my actions or faith would yield. No man can fix that! The words of men cannot comfort me here. I am on my own with G-d and his timing to meet me in this.” 4/2008
I am happy to report that the good Lord did meet me. He brought me out of the darkness and I have not been without his peace since. Even when, a year or so ago, my son looked as if he would be a vegetable for life. Our G-d is faithful. The great ‘I AM’ can be trusted. My son is not a vegetable and we are not alone in our struggles.
Blessed be the name of the Lord.