I suppose I should write something profound and holiday spirited, after all this is the first day of the new year. But I tell you the truth, my soul is exhausted which makes for a significant roadblock to meandering philosophical terrain.
I am home and gratefully receiving a time of rest. Last night, for new year’s eve, I had the beautiful opportunity to get cozy on the couch and fall asleep at 7:30p.m. (pacific time). Earlier in the day Brian, Esther and I had an outing along the coast–they on roller-skates and I on my Raleigh Twenty. Today Esther, the dog Piper, and I had a long coastal walk on the sands of The Strand and Salt Creek beach while Brian surfed San Onofre. Yesterday and today I have been busy in the kitchen enjoying the freedom to cook without a time constraint, though our pangs of hunger were slightly dictating the direction of each meal. Both days I have been leisurely popping p-nut M&M’s in my mouth which have followed my, vegetable/whole grain rich, meals very well. And now as I attempt to write an engaging piece of prose, my daughter sits beside me as my husband and our two dogs relax on the floor finding solace in the comforting tones of Henry Mancini’s Peter Gunn.
Aaahh, what a life…what a nice break from the running I have been doing since May of 2013 (and well before). And though my heart and mind are thinking of a hundred different people (friends/family) I’d like to connect with, or pieces of garments I would like to sew, or sweet treats to make, I am resigned to the fact that this rest is most necessary. In fact, so much so, that I recognize the folly that would ensue should I not completely and properly receive this gift of a respite. For Brian, Esther and I are most definitely in agreement in regard to our current status–grief is a heavy to burden to carry, and as result we are soul tired.
Being in a ‘soul tired’ state means I don’t have much to offer right now. Not much by way of conversation. Not much by way of inspiration. Not much by way of supplication. Just not much. I’m giving myself (ourselves) one year…
One year to indulge the weight of grief. One year to just sit and be. One year to receive a bit more than I give. One year of staying at home and being quiet (in my free time of course). And so, even though we have the celebration of a new year upon us, for me, we are mid year. Mid grief. Mid loss. A “Happy New Year” will have to wait–at least the celebration of it. Our gifts and celebratory actions are found in the solitude of the love we share with each other. The hope and complete understanding of Heaven and the knowledge Cole has made it into Home-Base before us. We just have to rest here a bit, and endure the weight, until our souls become more accustomed to the heavy load.
An anecdotal story:
Esther wears a “military dog-tag” necklace in honor of her brother. They are not his U.S. Marine tags (though we have them in our possession), it is a special edition made for her in honor of him. While in the produce section of Costco the other day, the kind-hearted employee asked, “for whom do you wear the dog tag?” To which she replied, “my brother.” His response was precious, “Very good! Let us keep him in prayer and bring him home safe.”
Esther and I looked at each other and concurred, “he has indeed made it safely home.”
…now how about them oranges?!
The Bent 3
living in loss and gratitude 
When you responded to my blog about breast cancer I didn’t realize that you had a recent tragedy in your family. And you were so kind to me, when I should be comforting you. May the new year bring you some peace and acceptance.
Thank you for the kind note. I am happy to offer your writing up as a resource, though I will do so old-school style, by verbal recommendation (I am not a social media user…at this time).
The title “En Garde” is so appropriate, so poignant, that I can’t stop thinking about it!
Blessings to you.
“oranges,” because we were in the “produce section at Costco.”
Thank you for checking in, Brad. You and Michelle are always on my heart!
Thank you for writing and letting us know how you are all doing Rivka…Cole had a warrior’s soul and I see that all the Bent’s possess it too, but the DNA of Boudicca echoes in your soul Rivka. It’s a heavy load that you bear; carry on Warrior Princess. Love, the Ohlunds
Thank you, Lisa. I humbly bow to your comparison and will endeavor to live up to your assessment (sans the conquering of an entire city of course).
I do so appreciate the love of the Ohlunds…we all do!
Some things have no “time limit.” We all do what we do in our own time!! You will know when your time to grieve is waning. In the meantime, have a good year and love one another.
Thank you Mama A. I expect grieving will follow me the rest of my days, which is why a governor of one year is required to prevent my isolative tendencies. I must prepare myself to once again get ‘back on the horse’ and live. For now, however, I indulge the ache of my soul.
I love you…and Donnis
Great post, Rivka. And I love the photo.
Thanks mom. xo
Love the photo, love the “dazzle ship pole”. Very Bent!
Of all the things we encountered in Disney World, the “Pole” was our favorite! 😉
Thank you for the update Rivka , it made me feel good. And thank you for posting that picture – you three look like time travelers from Hermosa Beach in the early 60’s, all that is missing is the Insomniac coffee house in the back ground. In my minds eye you all are classic beatniks walking from the Insomniac where Rivka had just finished reciting her latest poem. You guys are one of a kind and that’s a very good thing. Now it is time for me to recreate my vision, I will send you a copy when it is finished.
Peace Jerome Never give up that sense of wonder
I appreciate hearing from you, Jerome. Peace to you in the new year.