Archive | surgery RSS feed for this section

Remembering When

18 Jan

Ok, so I’m not exactly living the life I dreamed about.  I mean, I thought I would be in the healthcare field, but I admit my expectations were more in the arena of making money…not doling it out.  I also had the delusion that family money would follow my life.  You know what family money is, it is the kind of peaceful assurance that is provided to the select few in this world enabling them to go off on wild tangents of exploration, or devote their life to philanthropic causes.  Family money even allows for its recipients to casually attempt a blue collar life, because all the while it hangs in the background assuring the foreground of security.  Alas, my family money connection dropped off the planet, in all actuality, the day I was born.

So I am not living out the exact fantasy of my youth (did I mention I still try to live it out even still?), but I am in full enjoyment of the life I live.  Eventhough…

Cole is scheduled to have an outpatient eye surgery this Friday.  He has been suffering severe pain in his eyes and it is all due to two MAJOR factors:

  1. He cannot blink nor completely close his eyes.
  2. He does not create tears.

And though he employs gadgets to help the closing of the eyes as well as utilizes artificial tears CONSTANTLY, it is not enough to completely protect the eye.  So Friday, with the help of a specialized physician, his lower lids will be lifted to not only make my son look more like the Asian I know him to be (I mark every ethnicity box for scholarship purposes–now they won’t have cause to question!), more of the surface area of the eye will be covered.  It is a temporary measure for we still cling to the hope that he will regain his cranial nerve function that causes him the trouble.

Now off I must go…tea with the queen mother, you know.  My stylist awaits and my butler is here to inform me my car is ready.  AAAAhhhhh, life is but a dream!

Saying Goodbye

20 Sep

I have decided (well if I’m honest I’ve known for quite a while) that I do not like saying “Goodbye” to people I love.  In fact you will find that I maintain relationships with people, if I can, for a lifetime.  By relationship I mean, heart ties.  For example, Candy Edman is a subscriber to this post.  I haven’t seen Candy for several years, but her family and ours have remained tied to each other by way of love, prayer, and interest (and maybe a broken toilet or two–haha, inside joke).  I have family, direct bloodlines, that are with me in this way as well.  We live on opposite ends of the coast, or in different countries, yet they are in my heart as if we lived closer.  Why bring this subject up?  I will tell you…

Last night I received a call that my mother had taken my sister, Leah, to the ER.  Leah was in excruciating abdominal pain which painkillers were unable to mask.  Now my rational mind would tell me the circumstance is related to a flare up of her Crohn’s disease.  However, rational wasn’t working its magic for me last night.  You see my father went into the hospital about 20 years ago in pain and with a distended abdomen.  He never came out.  He was riddled with cancer and had ignored the symptoms long enough that by the time conclusions were made from his in-patient testings, he had passed away.  So last night I kept hoping that it wasn’t cancer.  And while we (me on the phone and her in the hospital in northern California) anxiously awaited a cat scan and blood test results, my mind and heart were heavily facing the fear of saying goodbye.  Of course I measured the weight of those thoughts against faith and prayer, which does help keep one from putting the cart before the horse.  However, I was again faced with my disinterest in goodbyes.  And because of that, I hope you all outlive me!  You see I believe in Heaven and I know that is where I am going.  I have no fear of my own death, nor the death of most of those I love (as far as where they are going).  Oh but having to live with the void of someone so significant is abhorrible.  I know I can do it, I’ve done it many a times.  But I just don’t want to!  Now this is not a letter of suicide by any means-Please Don’t Be Alarmed!!!  This is merely an expression of my inner reality; if I didn’t have this blog I wouldn’t even write it down.

There are other forms of “goodbye” I find difficult to deal with, such as the major transitions of life.  My daughter, Esther, is fast approaching 16 years of age.  I am already witnessing the natural progression of her maturation and therefore disconnect from the mother-father-daughter tie.  She is so looking forward to having her driver’s license.  And her car sits in our driveway with its enticing call to a new freedom.  It’s natural, I know.  I went through it, and I have raised both of my children to think independently.  But I still don’t like it.  She is my baby, though she wore red lipstick to school today.  She is my muse, though she consults me less regarding style.  She is my companion, though her friends are fast replacing me.  She is mine, though she is not.

So you see, my sister can’t go into the hospital for pain without me carrying on internally over deeply felt emotions that I manage to sequester most of the time.  No, I contemplate those I love, like, and miss.  I want Heaven now, though I will wait my turn.  Leah is, as I type, undergoing gallbladder removal surgery.  It wasn’t Crohn’s afterall.  She will be fine, and I am grateful.  Now I have to figure out how to gracefully allow my daughter the freedom to grow…

%d bloggers like this: