I don’t mean to be a broken record, or beat a dead horse, or spin my wheels, or as all of the idioms suggest, repeat myself until my listener tires of the message; But–these past several years I have been much occupied with my familial affairs. First caring for my son, assisting him in his recovery from surgery and all aspects of his militarily connected life, to wading through this past year of grief for myself, my husband and our daughter. Thus my time, since about March 12, 2011, has been allocated to most things Bent! As result, I have many friends who endearingly tell me, I am missed.
The problem is, I miss me too.
I feel as if I am in a quasi rendition of a “Where’s Waldo?” book. Only my title reads, “Where’s Rivka?!” I vacillate so frequently in my position on things, I hardly recognize my own opinion! One day I’m aching to have a vacation away, then when the opportunity presents, I have no desire. I know I love sushi, but when faced with pangs of hunger I cannot decide for what it is I crave. I used to find a therapeutic remedy in my exploration of culinary arts, now I settle for a bowl of cereal. I have many friends with whom I would often visit, and now I prefer solitude. “Where’s Rivka??” I honestly miss her!!
Not only do I want her back, I need her back. She has work to do…she has an entire VA system to fight and reform– with veterans in need of compassionate advocacy. She has friends she loves who were previously surviving on her sloppy seconds. She has interests left waiting for her return. “Where’s Rivka?”
Well folks, regardless of where she is (where I am) and whether we shall ever truly see her again, she must resume her place in life. A year of mourning has, this past weekend, been fulfilled. The time is upon her to gain ground and “get at it.” I hope the next series of posts will be reflective of that attempt. The attempt to find my place within a world that is different, and with a person who is altered–me.
**Note: This post is written with the sole purpose of exposing the melancholy within a grief stricken soul. It is sometimes helpful for others to know that sentiments of grief manifest within the realm of crazy. And within that state, a functioning being exists.