I don’t mean to be a broken record, or beat a dead horse, or spin my wheels, or as all of the idioms suggest, repeat myself until my listener tires of the message; But–these past several years I have been much occupied with my familial affairs. First caring for my son, assisting him in his recovery from surgery and all aspects of his militarily connected life, to wading through this past year of grief for myself, my husband and our daughter. Thus my time, since about March 12, 2011, has been allocated to most things Bent! As result, I have many friends who endearingly tell me, I am missed.
The problem is, I miss me too.
I feel as if I am in a quasi rendition of a “Where’s Waldo?” book. Only my title reads, “Where’s Rivka?!” I vacillate so frequently in my position on things, I hardly recognize my own opinion! One day I’m aching to have a vacation away, then when the opportunity presents, I have no desire. I know I love sushi, but when faced with pangs of hunger I cannot decide for what it is I crave. I used to find a therapeutic remedy in my exploration of culinary arts, now I settle for a bowl of cereal. I have many friends with whom I would often visit, and now I prefer solitude. “Where’s Rivka??” I honestly miss her!!
Not only do I want her back, I need her back. She has work to do…she has an entire VA system to fight and reform– with veterans in need of compassionate advocacy. She has friends she loves who were previously surviving on her sloppy seconds. She has interests left waiting for her return. “Where’s Rivka?”
Well folks, regardless of where she is (where I am) and whether we shall ever truly see her again, she must resume her place in life. A year of mourning has, this past weekend, been fulfilled. The time is upon her to gain ground and “get at it.” I hope the next series of posts will be reflective of that attempt. The attempt to find my place within a world that is different, and with a person who is altered–me.
**Note: This post is written with the sole purpose of exposing the melancholy within a grief stricken soul. It is sometimes helpful for others to know that sentiments of grief manifest within the realm of crazy. And within that state, a functioning being exists.
living in loss and gratitude 
Citation-internet (not mine) “True north differs from magnetic north, which varies from place to place and over time due to local magnetic anomalies. A magnetic compass almost never shows true north. In fact over millions of years, magnetic north wanders considerably and occasionally reverses so that the magnetic north pole has been near the geographic south pole at some periods in the earth’s history. In the arctic region, a magnetic compass is not very useful.
To find true north from a magnetic compass you have to know the local magnetic variation and how it is varying over time. For ordinary folk this is difficult (although good maps will have magnetic deviation marked on them).
Finding true north is essential for accurate navigation.”
Rif, our limited bodies through life’s anomalies and sufferings wander considerably and occasionally reverse. We can only imagine the loss, confusion and vacillation! We may not find Rivka as we knew her ever again. But hope, hope we have, in the TRUE NORTH, the Infinite, Omnipotent, Omniscient, and Omnipresent source of your life Who will navigate you to TRUE! 1Cor13:12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known.
Love you my friend and I am SO filled with gratitude that I have shared this side of heaven with you!
You speak to my cartophiliac heart! Thank you.
This session is the most perfect explanation of you. Not that it is going to change much of anything as the ache is always there. However, it does point to the fact that you are missing you too.
Your writing is still outstanding. I hope that you continue on with these blogs and think about a book.
I love you.
Dearest Rivka – It’s been a privilege to follow you through the valley you’ve walked during this past year; your compass has been true and straight – as it always has been and is now. Peace be with you. Love, the Ohlunds