I have spent the majority of this day and last night’s eve contemplating my feelings of exhaustion. Especially as I have had the good fortune of receiving more than an adequate nights sleep, several nights in succession. Mind you, I am continuing my ‘full function’ of the days activities, but all the while dealing with the feeling of needing a nap. The ideas I wrestle with are as minimally invasive as ‘do I need to take vitamins?’, to the more intrusive, ‘perhaps I have cancer’, thoughts. To which I answer in the following manner; ‘if I do need vitamins I’m out of luck because I never follow through with taking them–yuck!’ AND, ‘if I do have cancer eating away at some part of my body, then I guess I’ll be dead in about a year.’ I know, I know, not exactly the type of “proactive” mentality I normally purport having. I assure you, however, I examine my answers utilizing the most lighthearted thought process even though what comes forth resembles a rather melancholic tone.
At any rate, tonight I have discovered the source of my sandbags, the dip in my dew, the dent in my hull…otherwise considered the cause of my fatigue. My new “normal” lives cautiously afloat the fragility of the health of my son, Cole. And in my constant attendance to his well being, whether that attendance is in thought or deed, I see that I shoulder an amount of emotional stress which translates to–or manifests as–the demise of my stamina. For instance, the fixed appointments of the day had to be cancelled due to Cole having had a hard night, last night. His hard night was a result of severe nausea and abdominal pain. And today, he tells me he has back pain and his symptoms increase when he lies down–the upset stomach symptoms.
Now in families where there has not been the trauma of a brain tumor thrust into their “normal”, nausea and abdominal pain equates to the flu or food poisoning…or quite possibility, appendicitis. But not in my normal. In MY normal, severe nausea and abdominal pain with an increase of symptomatology upon prostration means….need I really point it out?!
Entonces aqui estoy sentado al lado de mi hijo tratando tener confianza, fe, y esperanza en lo que no debe ser mi ‘normal’. Espero que el tiene el gripe y nada mas. Pero aqui estoy sentado, mirando, esperando, finjo tranquilidad pero con la sabiduría que quizas mas tarde o mañana vamos tener que visitar un doctor. Y con ese normal, es dificil sentirme tranquilizo.
Did you catch that? If not, the base of the meaning (though you can cut and paste into an online translator if you so desire), is that my norm is in constant motion. And though I sit here on my couch wearing the appearance of docility, I am actually a good example of Newton’s laws of motion…perpetual and constant. Which can quite possibly have a draining effect. And being I have this new realization or epiphany (choosing to use the word wrapped in religion vs. simply derived from the French language), I will stop my ignorant complaints, for knowledge has filled the void of ignorance and to go about my days in wonderment as before, would be to act the fool. ‘Oi Vay’… a tired fool is the worst of its kind! And we don’t need a translator for that–she looks the same in any language! 😉 No, that will not be me. I will attempt to embrace the fatigue and contemplate it no more.
“the sweet surrender to Norm”
**for those of you receiving this update on iphone or through email, I do have a youtube song attachment included. …Enjoy!