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Saying Goodbye

20 Sep

I have decided (well if I’m honest I’ve known for quite a while) that I do not like saying “Goodbye” to people I love.  In fact you will find that I maintain relationships with people, if I can, for a lifetime.  By relationship I mean, heart ties.  For example, Candy Edman is a subscriber to this post.  I haven’t seen Candy for several years, but her family and ours have remained tied to each other by way of love, prayer, and interest (and maybe a broken toilet or two–haha, inside joke).  I have family, direct bloodlines, that are with me in this way as well.  We live on opposite ends of the coast, or in different countries, yet they are in my heart as if we lived closer.  Why bring this subject up?  I will tell you…

Last night I received a call that my mother had taken my sister, Leah, to the ER.  Leah was in excruciating abdominal pain which painkillers were unable to mask.  Now my rational mind would tell me the circumstance is related to a flare up of her Crohn’s disease.  However, rational wasn’t working its magic for me last night.  You see my father went into the hospital about 20 years ago in pain and with a distended abdomen.  He never came out.  He was riddled with cancer and had ignored the symptoms long enough that by the time conclusions were made from his in-patient testings, he had passed away.  So last night I kept hoping that it wasn’t cancer.  And while we (me on the phone and her in the hospital in northern California) anxiously awaited a cat scan and blood test results, my mind and heart were heavily facing the fear of saying goodbye.  Of course I measured the weight of those thoughts against faith and prayer, which does help keep one from putting the cart before the horse.  However, I was again faced with my disinterest in goodbyes.  And because of that, I hope you all outlive me!  You see I believe in Heaven and I know that is where I am going.  I have no fear of my own death, nor the death of most of those I love (as far as where they are going).  Oh but having to live with the void of someone so significant is abhorrible.  I know I can do it, I’ve done it many a times.  But I just don’t want to!  Now this is not a letter of suicide by any means-Please Don’t Be Alarmed!!!  This is merely an expression of my inner reality; if I didn’t have this blog I wouldn’t even write it down.

There are other forms of “goodbye” I find difficult to deal with, such as the major transitions of life.  My daughter, Esther, is fast approaching 16 years of age.  I am already witnessing the natural progression of her maturation and therefore disconnect from the mother-father-daughter tie.  She is so looking forward to having her driver’s license.  And her car sits in our driveway with its enticing call to a new freedom.  It’s natural, I know.  I went through it, and I have raised both of my children to think independently.  But I still don’t like it.  She is my baby, though she wore red lipstick to school today.  She is my muse, though she consults me less regarding style.  She is my companion, though her friends are fast replacing me.  She is mine, though she is not.

So you see, my sister can’t go into the hospital for pain without me carrying on internally over deeply felt emotions that I manage to sequester most of the time.  No, I contemplate those I love, like, and miss.  I want Heaven now, though I will wait my turn.  Leah is, as I type, undergoing gallbladder removal surgery.  It wasn’t Crohn’s afterall.  She will be fine, and I am grateful.  Now I have to figure out how to gracefully allow my daughter the freedom to grow…

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Fun and Games

15 Sep

Today I had the most fun I have had in a long time!

My son, Cole, had to have a venous filter removed from an artery (I believe I mentioned it in an earlier post).  So he had a scheduled appointment today at Mission Hospital, for this outpatient procedure.  We received our prep phone call yesterday; telling us to arrive at 9:00a.m. for pre-op and then the surgical procedure would happen at 11:00a.m. and than he would stay for observation 2 hours post the procedure.  Now of course, as is customary with any surgery, it was advised to abstain from food and all liquids after midnight.  Not too difficult a task when the scheduled appointment is for the morning.  Well we did what we were told and then the wait was on!

  • 9:00a.m. checked in
  • 9:30 IV inserted
  • 9:35 blood drawn
  • 9:50 admission questions
  • 10:00 swab nostrils for MRSA
  • 10:15 put in order for lunch, “they should be here to pick you up at 10:30”
  • 10:40 I hop in bed with Cole and shoot the breeze (I was cold)
  • 11:00 Cole and I decide to read one of my architectural books (checked out from the library)
  • 11:35 Call the nurse regarding start time, only to find out it would be another hour
  • 12:40 I decide to go down to the cafeteria to get something to eat–cashier recognizes me from Cole’s earlier hospital stay, sends a “hello” to Brian
  • 1:07 Cole is finally taken down for surgery
  • 2:40 Cole returns from surgery
  • 2:45 IV removed

A few moments after his IV was removed he began his attempt to eat the lunch that was provided, mac-n-cheese, green beans, and chocolate cake.  He took a few bites of the macaroni and cheese and decided the chocolate cake was a better choice.  He asked me why we couldn’t just leave.  So I offered to get his nurse so he could ask her.  He finished his cake and looked at the macaroni and asked me if we could get out of there and eat somewhere else.  I said, “Sure, if you can put your clothes on and walk out of here, I will follow you.”  So I gave him his clothes and he put them on.  Still no sign of his nurse (though there were two nurse looking ladies sitting outside his door, working on a portable computer.)  He got up and ventured to the in-room bathroom to check out his incision.  Then he said, “Ok, let’s go.” But he started walking toward me, so I asked, “Well if we are leaving, why are you walking toward me?”  To which he replied, “I am going to write ‘Thank You’ on my white board.”  And he did.  He then turned around and walked out (with his walker of course), with me following behind.  A nurse who was on duty in the morning happened to walk by as we were leaving and kindly said, “sorry about the wait.”  We assured her it was no problem, then head out the double doors of the hospital, to our car, and came home…laughing all the way!  I swear, I think we have all gone mad.  Well not Brian, he did encourage us to wait to be discharged; but he wasn’t there to stop us.

Just a few minutes ago the hospital called (It’s now after 4:00p.m.), I made sure to give the receiver to Cole so he could answer the call.  Sure enough it was his nurse.  She said, “You weren’t supposed to leave; I didn’t even get a chance to check the incision!”  He assured her he would follow up with his primary care physician in a week, and apologized for leaving.

Though he apologized, I can assure you he is not sorry.  He has had his fill of being in the hospital…and I do believe, so have I!

 

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ADD

9 Sep

As is customary with me, I avoid penning a new post when my thoughts resemble an inferno of infuriated little maggots whose intent and purpose is to destroy without mercy.  Yes, I experience rantings in my head that would, by comparison, offend Howard Stern and canonize Marie Antoinette.  Therefore I abstain; or should, at the least, do so (can’t promise to always make a good call, but I can promise to delete a bad call once made).  Anyway, about this widgets business…

I have taken a few too many tutorials.  I am bored to tears with the accented (British I believe-not that I mind the British accent, just taking ‘how to’ tours), navigational voice of the man attempting to lead my impatient mind.  “Enough already”, I exclaim.  “Can’t you merely tell me how to put a cotton-pickin’ photo up?  Why do I have to put height and width?  And what dimensions are you suggesting?  Inches, centimeters, kilometers?”  You can see, by the photo of Cole on the right that I have somehow figured out something.  And I realize, that if I allow myself longer than 5 minutes to learn a new strategy I just might do that; learn.  But even with all of the lessons of patience that my Lord G-d has me walking through, I still have not figured out how to BE a patient person.  So widgets will wait and this blog will suffer.  I do like Stacey’s suggestion that my brother Greg should come down to southern Cal and do this for me; but I’m sure his family would have issue with the immediacy of my need, or the need itself!  I also love that Stacey called out my arrogance with Twitter and Facebook.  Thanks Stace for pointing that out…I needed some more humility, you know, a broken finger, a son with cancer, a daughter with too much male attention, and a husband who is famous “where?”; I needed to be put back in my place.  My place…not thinking that now that I am a domain name owner (bentrivka.com) I am something more grand than the facebook page of my daughter, sister, brother, and friend.  But I secretly think I am (more grand that is), which is why I even bring it up.  As I often say, “Just try to knock me off the pillar of self esteem upon which I stand.  It is too high for most to reach!”  WATCH OUT, THE MAGGOTS ARE LOOSE!!!! hahahaha

Ok, that bit above was purely self satisfying (Thank you “self” for humoring me some).

Onto serious affairs…Cole is doing ok.  He begins a new regimen of physical therapy next week.  He will be working with a woman who is intent on helping him walk without a walker.  The setting is more, personal trainer gym-like, than rehab gym at the hospital.  She says she is the interim stage before he can resume working out on his own at the local gym.   He is quite excited to get started.  I am also looking to sign him up in a yoga class, but am looking for someone (other than myself or Brian) to attend with him; to take the class alongside him and spot him should he need it.  As we move into fall, it is unrealistic to consider that he will stick with aquatic therapy.  He is sensitive to cold (well a lot of things really.  He is adjusting to his new ‘body’ as best he can.), and being motivated to work out in a decent pool temp when the weather is less than decent is not realistic.  That is where a yoga class would be beneficial.   Right now, Cole is awaiting a venous filter removal; which is scheduled to happen next Thursday (his venous ultrasound is today).  And then another MRI at the end of September.  Other than that, we have applied for a camp session with First Descents.  First Descents is an organization that offers a one week outdoor experience for young adults with cancer.  I’m not sure Cole will be able to attend a session this fall, but he is hoping to attend a kayak session in late spring of next year.

Esther has enrolled in her local high school, San Juan Hills.  She is also enrolled in a course at our local community college, Saddleback.  The decision to move from independent study back to the traditional campus came as a result of a few factors.  All in all, I believe it is not only a good move for her presently, but will be good for our family unit as well.  Can you hear me crying out, “STRUCTURE?!”.  Ok, when I say our family unit perhaps I mean myself.  However, when “Mama” is happy, everyone is happy!

My finger is still broken, but is healing.  No Surgery for me!!! And, I am currently typing with it without an ounce of pain.  So onward and upward with that…it is just a bit deformed and odd looking.  But those of you who know me know that my fingers always looked as if they were broken at sometime in my life (Stacey will concur).

…oh crud; I looked at the time and I need to get Cole up to the hospital for the ultrasound.  Ciao for now.

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