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Going The Distance

9 Mar

Do you know what going the distance truly means?  It means, making it through (what ever “through” happens to be) when the adrenaline spike is no longer assisting your stamina.  It means, remaining joyful when the dopamine and serotonin levels in the brain have dropped as a result of the biological crisis mode switching to off.  It means, not just finishing the race (life), but living in such a way that you know finishing is happening.  Which in essence is, the ability to make it through the “normals”.

Was that too abstract a thought for anyone to follow?  I apologize if the answer to my question is “yes”.  But for me, tonight, I feel the pains of “going the distance.”  And tonight, “the pain”  happens to be, the practice of flushing out the thoughts of doubt that are trying to creep into my head.  That are trying to cause me to give up, that are lying to me by way of manipulative, passive aggressive tactic.  The reason I feel pain is that my emergency strength, otherwise known as adrenaline, has called it quits for the day.  So I am left to my own “normal” ability to recall lessons learned, and left to my own “normal” desire to remain fixated on past encouragements rooted in truth.  I am also having to–key phrase here–put into practice what I know to be true and right…even when I want to walk away and bury my head in the sand.  All of which take a level of commitment I’m sometimes unsure I naturally posses.  You see, “going the distance” has somewhat of an athletic team-like connotation.  I was a dancer, not a sportsman(woman).  I understand hard workouts and focused practices, but not distance.  Our routines were, at most, 10 minute increments–maybe fifteen.  I played singles tennis…never doubles.  It was fast paced achievement or hard earned defeat, never distance.  Thus I can assure you, I feel pain when pushing forward, pressing on toward the goal, and keeping my eye fixed on the prize.

So tonight, I am going the distance.  And where ever you are, and whatever your “through” happens to be, I hope you will, along with my tired self, go the distance too.

…thank you for listening (or reading really).

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Running From Fear

1 Mar

My title is a little misleading.  The reason being is that I am not wholeheartedly committed to keeping to the topic of fear, for this particular posting.  But knowing from past experience that I could trouble myself for far too long regarding a title, I decided it would be better to land on one and move on.  So that is what I did.

A few updates on Cole.  He enjoyed his trip to Nicaragua.  He mostly ate and rested, but the climate (humidity and sun) did very well for his eyes and body.  And he very much enjoyed, appreciated, and took note of the warmth of character emanating from the general populace.  Which in turn, warmed his heart.  He was definitely ready to come home and he has not wanted to have fish since being back.  Fresh fish and fresh veggie’s, sounds like an eating utopia to me!
We have begun the VA process.  What that means is they are taking over responsibility for his medical care, and we are learning the ropes between our local clinic, the Long Beach VA facility, the West LA VA, and the La Jolla VA.  Why so many locations?  Have a brain tumor and subsequent complications as a result and you, yourself will come to understand all the required specialists who need to be on board–and how the VA has said specialists (or specialist-singular) at one location but not another.  So Cole and I get to travel a lot together and spend a significant amount of days at varying facilities.  Our observation?  Cole’s age group is the minority.  Why?  Because most young military personnel who are injured and released from service are medically boarded and have the private insurance company called, TriCare.  As to why Cole does not have that advantage is another story; a story which I am saving should we decide the press needs to up the ante on the military and the decision making board…there is quite a story here, I assure you!  However, and in the meantime, the VA has been most gracious to Cole.  And everyone who we have been in contact with has been exceedingly helpful.  And the cafeteria in Long Beach is brand new, with lots of glass and a cool industrial architectural appeal.  Cole and I make for good companionship, as I don’t like to talk much nor does he.  We sit and observe, help where we can, and butt out as needed.

Previous to Cole’s surgery, as I was transitioning from full-time mom, to part-time mom and full time student, one of the questions I had hot on my heels was, “what do I want to be when I grow up?”  The question found no real answer because I have truly loved my position as home-maker, wife, mother, familial assistant, volunteer, and friend.  So deciding on a career that could fulfill my already fulfilled self was challenging;  yet I was pursuing the degree because my domestic duties weren’t producing an income.  Then as certain as change itself, my path was redirected back to home (and out of school) when Cole was diagnosed with the brain tumor.  And here I am again in the full-time position which has been the most rewarding of places to be.  Of course, while I was fast upon my road to becoming an educated individual, I did my best to maintain the priorities of my family.  Easy to do in my heart, but challenging when it came necessary to study.  At any rate, thanks to the VA, I am now receiving a stipend for helping to take care of my son.  A blessing that is most appreciated now, especially with Brian being out a regular paycheck (Yes, in theory he qualifies for unemployment.  However, that is yet another story–one I hope will soon have a happy ending.  But in the meantime…uuggg!)

Now to give credit to my somewhat misleading title…

It has been my experience, this past year, that some people are truly afraid of what life has handed our family.  In a covertly perverse way, it is as if cancer (or tragedy-not that they are synonymous) is contagious.  I have experienced people ‘keeping their distance’ because they cannot handle the reality of Cole’s circumstance, our circumstance.  I have also had people afraid to ask me how Cole is doing, for fear the answer will be grave; as in Cole is in one–though he wishes for cremation not burial.  Yesterday, one such person coyly broached the subject and then apologetically said, “I hate to even ask.”  But was then encouraged by my answer, “Please ask away.  And we are doing well…in this moment.  We truly live day-to-day, moment-to-moment.  And today all is well.”  His response was positive and his hesitation to smile (in my presence) subsided.
In all honesty, I am not offended one bit by this not-so-uncommon reaction.  I am saddened a little because, while staying away, they are missing out on hearing of the blessings that we live in, which of course I would love to share; and I am missing out on their friendship.    So to you, the reader (because I do not have the forum to shout it out to the whole world), I say, “Don’t let fear get in your way!  Of anything!  Fear is a robber; a thief.  It will steal away blessings and rob away joy.  If you find yourself stopping short, as a result of fear, push through…and push it aside.  And please, do not fear being our friend nor asking how we are.  Though I realize befriending our family comes with a great deal of risk!”

And most importantly, remember–CANCER IS NOT CONTAGIOUS (though some sexually transmitted diseases, which can cause cancer, are!) …oh dear, that is one of the risks–Rivka-isms! 🙂

The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the LORD is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? (psalm 27:1)

P.s. I could write an entire study on the Psalms and psalmist…for King David, the author of the Psalms (let’s leave it there for simplicity sake), was one complicated man…yet the Lord saw past his complications, never letting go of David and considered him “a man after G-d’s own heart”.  How is that relevant to me?  Just reminds me that my “Rivka-isms” don’t even scare off G-d, at least not when compared to David! 😉

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No Luck, Only Grace

26 Feb

Today Brian and I celebrated our wedding anniversary.  Last night, in preparation for the surprise I wanted to give him, I went “driving” on Google maps.  The reason being is I couldn’t remember the name of the Alpine Lodge-like restaurant that Brian always says he wants to visit when we pass by it on the freeway.  I had a vague memory of it being after the 22 freeway and before the 605, so I got my map set to the 5 freeway just after the 22 and moved the little “man” icon to street level.  I admit, it was challenging because sometimes the map would jump me to an off ramp and I would find myself lost…then I would have to start over again.  I also questioned my memory of which freeway it was off of, and perused the 405 for about 20 minutes…excessive, I know!  Even as I was considering my method to be madness, I continued on.  After all, I convinced myself it was for an anniversary and so the extra pains to find my destination would be worth it.

Well I am happy to say I finally found the faux, snow covered alpine and thanks to the camera work of Google, and its 360 degree panning option, I found the name.  Clearman’s North Woods Inn, La Mirada California.  With the name in my possession I was able to check on its hours of operation, and even check its status on “Yelp”.  Let me offer a bit of advice…when you are planning something for a loved one, and are considering their interests, tastes, or desires, skip out on reading reviews and looking at pictures and reading the menu with prices.  Because even though I had found my prize, I also found my prize was an over priced dump which serves the type of food that, yes, Brian would love, but I would be compelled to picket due to the high amounts of injurious food and portions.  Which is why before I shut my accomplice down for the night (my computer), I avowed to not only surprise Brian with a lunch at the 1950’s should-be-thrown-back chalet, but to pretend I shared the same enjoyment with the entire experience as well…gloppy cheese bread, mayonnaise salad, and all.  And with my resolve, a good feeling fell upon me.  It does feel nice to have my “self” sit on the bench and let Brian take the play…it just took some coaching to get me-self agreeable to the idea!

Well today my lovely daughter asked us where we were headed for our lunch date.  I told her, her father didn’t know and it was a surprise–but it is about a half hour away from our home.  Upon hearing my words, Brian said, “I know where we’re going!  Is it to the snow?”  “WHAT?”, I questioned, “how did you know?”  Turns out that after 20+ years together, Brian and I are one…go figure.  I often know his thoughts, he often knows mine; even my hidden and surprise thoughts.  And lucky for me, he did know because he told me he wasn’t really feeling for driving as far as we would have to drive to get there.  HIP HIP HOORAY!!!  “No skin off of my nose”, I said, “I am happy to withdrawal the plan and redirect!”  Now that is what I call “grace”.  And off we went to Laguna Beach to one of our favorite and quaint little restaurants.  And being I didn’t have to swallow down bread dipped in grease, or potatoes lathered with “cheese butter” (which actually sounds intriguing in all the wrong ways), I enjoyed dessert because I could.

Then, as is customary for me after eating a meal out, I retrieved my little lipstick holder from my purse to refresh my, dried out and pale, lips.  And to my wonderful surprise, thanks to my ever conniving children, I found my little “King’s cake” baby lying in my lipstick holder.  I called them and they said, “you got Baby-D!”, and they laughed and laughed, as did Brian and I.  Since the oven is still on the fritz, the baby keeps “popping” up in the most notorious of locations.  In fact, he’s awaiting the next victim as we speak…I can’t wait to see who it will be!

Laughter=grace.

Cole’s VA 100% service-connected rating coming in the mail on the very day our health insurance benefits ended–the same day of my grandmother’s passing, such good news on one heck of a hard day; more grace.  Not having to drive, eat, nor lounge anywhere near the Clearman’s North Woods Inn; grace, grace, grace!  Truly the Lord’s grace is washing over my weary soul…thank you Jesus!

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. (2 Corinthians 12:9)


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