I have found myself, of late, with some extra time on my hands…actually, in my schedule. Periodically I will have one day in the week, sometimes two back to back, where the square box on the monthly calendar is literally blank. Now mind you, there is ALWAYS work needing to be done even when the scheduler is devoid of listed appointments. Such as papers awaiting an organizational interlude, laundry (not just clothes, linens and towels too) in need of soap and water, walls so smudged they are doubling as finger-printing devices, dust bunnies multiplying as often as their animalia counterpart, weeds, weeds, and more weeds always awaiting their demise (though they are, more often than not, winning the battle), windows and mirrors longing, begging, aching for a nominal assertion of ‘spit and polish’, AND many more perfunctory tasks that if I don’t stop listing them now will, I fear, cause me to lose my reading audience. For the mere listing of them will remind one, perhaps two-three-or four, readers of a mundane chore awaiting their attention as well.
Yet regardless of the ever present occupations, the ones that call to me regularly, there are days when the outside forces, which pull me from my domesticity, are quieted. And when I come upon one such day, and in choosing to ignore the aforementioned “to do’s” , I find myself wondering…Who am I anymore?…
- Do I still like swimming in the ocean?
- Why am I not wanting to go rowing?
- Why am I enjoying the quiet so much?
- What do I ‘enjoy’ eating?
- Do I like swimming?
- Do I still like roller coasters?
- Am I interested in finishing my undergraduate degree?
- Where would I like to work if I had to go out and get a job?
- Am I going to be able to handle old age?
- Do I like gardening?
- Do I still like hiking?
- Should I keep my hair short, or grow it out long again?
- Am I inspired?
- If I didn’t live where I am living, where would I want to live?
- Why am I not motivated to get my bicycle tires fixed?
- Why do I always want to get lost in IKEA?
- How do I avoid using words such as: so, all, got, and, but, etc.
- When will I again be ready to read a novel, short story, or play?
The contemplations above are nothing compared to the strange phenomenon that comes over me when I spend the first part of the day piddling around the house. The phenom being, I lose ALL motivation to leave it (it being my home). In fact, I have had to drudge up some serious creativity just to execute a proper meal for my family–as a result of forgoing the trip to the grocery store because leaving the house was too daunting a task. Additionally, I have had fantasies of visiting varying friends, on my ‘calendar-free’ days, only to lose the ambition when the day actually presents the opportunity. And yes, I realize this past year has been a full spectrum run of events; but don’t you think I should be higher functioning by now? Especially as I have been given several days of rest from time to time? Especially as Cole is more capable and independent (in his self-care)? Well regardless of your answer, I personally feel I should be at a higher level of energy…at the very least I desire a higher level of functionality.
Even so, with bereft vigor, I do what I must and is necessary to keep order and semblance of a productive life. All the while unable to evade my own introspection…who’s that girl, running around with you? And though I share my ruminations, you need not trouble yourselves in attempt to procure for me a resolution. I assure you, I will find her. She is not far off I think, only slightly derailed…perhaps a bit exhausted. 😉
P.s. My musings are inward focused and not to be projected, in any manner, toward any one individual outside of myself.
living in loss and gratitude 
The Noise