I have, in the course of the last week, begun two new post entries which still remain unfinished in my “drafts” folder. The speed at which I’m traveling, this week and next, is keeping me in many places (figuratively and literally) and not allowing me to land long enough to finish my writings. In fact, just having one adolescent female, which I happen to be mother to, is more than a full time job and requires much overtime! Additionally, she is not the only factor present in my life which requires attention. Thus by the end of the night, when I am cozy and ready to write, my brain shows me the state mandated “break policy” and I yield to its compelling call. And rather than bore you with the details, some of which are exciting and some of which are trying–but both of which will end up in a “real” blog post, I will leave you with a photo taken of me today. Yep, my dear neighbor and friend Miles “loved” my look today so much he took the time to snap a good one!
So I leave you with the picture that tells the story, though I warn you, it is a chaotic tale indeed! And know that even though you haven’t heard from BENTRIVKA in a while, it is not because I am lost…just not quite yet found (now that is a crazy phrase structure if I do say so myself–“just not quite yet found”–I am again hearing the break-room call!). 😉
I have decided to consider the pestering thoughts in my mind to be a form of entertainment. As I sit here and listen to an excerpt from the opera, La Bohème, and type this posting, I am determined to convince myself of the former statement. The reason for my determination is that I am, presently, being needled in my psyche by an insensitive reply from a complete stranger, to a comment I made on another blog. And in full disclosure, the insensitive reply is not what is truly bothering me. It is the fact I am allowing the comment to bother me that actually is the bother! Thus in order to convince my feelings to not dwell in hurt, I am attempting to change the perspective of the committee within my head. The badgering, nagging thoughts that are doing their best to rob me of the joy of the moment (whatever the moment may be), all the while attempting to entice me into literary action by way of responding to the response.
There, I just switched from La Bohème to Carmen…a more fitting opera for the occasion and also the very first opera I was privileged to see. My father took me to see it when I was a little girl, and I still remember the sheer enjoyment of being pulled into the drama of the stage.
At any rate, the problem does not truly lie in the lap of the commentator. She, or he, does not know me and therefore does not have access to my heart, the foundations of my thoughts, nor the accompanying intonation of my voice. I carry the burden fully because I gave into the enticements of the blogging world. Enticements such as, little phrases that pop up on my screen after I’ve posted a new entry which tell me how to increase my scope of notoriety (otherwise known as my reach). One of which instructs me, the blogger, to make comments on the blogs of others. Exposure is the way to increase my own stats. So I tried it out and–“wham-O”–I took a hit. Now I am pretty thick skinned for the most part. I am confident in myself. I know my strengths (what are those again? ;)), my not-so-strong points (cherry drops off a pull up bar NOT being one of them–I still rule the playground!), and my earnest intent to not harm another (though my humanity fails me in this regard much too often). I also realize I will be the vinegar to anothers’ oil, and that is the way life goes sometimes. So when I let a little commentary bother me to the point of reciting, in my head, varying ways of shutting down the misunderstanding–and by “shutting down” I am not thinking in terms of politeness, I get annoyed at my self. Especially as I have jumped into this new world of blogging for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with building a large reading base. And by succumbing to the temptation to be popular (sing it “Wicked”), I lose sight of my intent and purpose. All of which reflects poorly on the face beautiful, and vanity is a true motivator (of course wanting to follow after righteousness and not my own self centered insecurities could be a player as well).
So now the challenge of redirecting the “head” committee by way of ushering out the tactical methods of the ‘thought police’. Methodology: Turn the pests into actors playing out a scene. The effect: I am rid the burden the former intruders befell me and left giddy from the new comedic performance. Given a choice, I choose comedy every time.
Yay, mission accomplished! My “About” page remains an honest tale of my blogging intent and I have averted the urge to scathe a fellow human being with the quick flick of the enter key. Oh happy day…
Matthew 22:36-40
“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”
Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”
I will not lie, Cole is a bit discouraged. He so wants his ability to smile returned to him, even more so than his vision. And yet the facial paralysis remains. The doctors at the neuro-acupuncture clinic have told us that this intensive, every day treatment plan, is at its max at about two weeks, because it is just too exhausting for the patient. We are definitely here, Cole is wiped out and feeling a bit swollen in his face. I, too, am ready to go home. Hotel living is ok, but like my bicycle moniker ‘Dorothy’, I feel there is “no place like home”, even with our steamy latrine. What? I haven’t told you of our heated toilet? And you thought the dog was the only one around here heating things up! Not the case…
Our first night of arrival, April 1st, we unloaded (well I did) our things, and were extremely hungry. We happened to have in our possession a gift card for the Mexican fast food chain, “Chipotle”. And, right at our hotel lobby door happens to be a Chipotle restaurant. I had never tried their food before but remembered my good friends, The Nances from Bakersfield, had positive things to say about it. Cole, on the other hand,hadn’t liked his first time try, but decided to give it another go. Anyway, Cole’s meal didn’t work out for him so well. The meat was to spicily seasoned and he was already too tired to eat. Mine was fine, and I ate it without a problem. However, my stomach gurgled all night long.
Now that night we noticed our bathroom sink didn’t really have cold water, medium temp at best. I made a mild comment about it and then forgot it quickly. The next morning, however, Cole and I were taking turns ridding ourselves of the Chipotle from the night before (yes, even his little taster made its mark). When it was my turn to, again, surrender to the porcelain queen, I couldn’t help notice the steam radiating from the bowl below my tushie. I thought to myself and then proclaimed out-loud to Cole, “My gosh, that food last night is really causing some heat!” But then it donned on me, our toilet is flushing HOT water!
"I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal."
-Jane Austin
"Me lo han quitado todo
-bueno, casi todo-
porque me queda la sonrisa
el orgullo de sentirme un hombre libre
y en el alma un jardín
de eterna florecitas."
-Armando Valladares 1981, La Mejor Tinta
My title is deceiving. It implies I am in the market for a new daughter. This is not the case…I assure you. And though this post has nothing to do with shopping for a child, it does involve the parent-child dynamic. Are you surprised? Have I not overused this topic already? I will answer for […]
living in loss and gratitude 
The Noise