Have you ever been lost? Truly in a spot of unrecognized territory? I have. Once, while vacationing on the island of Oahu, Hawaii. I took my husband and two children on an adventure we will never forget. I am an avid hiker, at least the Rivka I am most familiar with, I can say, is an avid hiker. So to an unfamiliar trail I took my family, the call of true adventure my thrill. We began our trek to the hidden waterfall with somewhat of a visible trail to guide our way. And though at many times we were unsure if our chosen steps were leading us in the direction we hoped to go, we were offered a smidgen of hope from a random passerby to assure us our desired destination did, in fact, exist. So while we had a successful venture to the pool of water I had longed to see, our hike back to safety took a wrong turn. The rain began to fall…and fall, and fall. And with it, the trails were completely washed away. Banana palm trees lay fallen in the mud. Our once familiar markers were sailing down the, now flowing, creek leaving us truly lost and in a place of unrecognizable territory. Gone were the one or two previous people who kept us on course. Gone was solid ground, only slippery mud and a husband/father with a guitar (because every hiker totes a musical instrument, right?), a wife/mother with a bit of fear lurking inside her, an optimistic boy, and a little girl who promptly spilled the rationed trail mix as if paying homage to the ritualistic offerings from the island’s past. In that moment, flip-flop bedecked, we the Bent family were considering how it might feel to sleep in jungle-like surroundings with no food or water left for sustenance. Yet plenty of rain and who knows what else! We obviously made it out, thanks to the guitar and the little boy. No questions please.
Well, here I am again. Lost.
Where is Rivka? An honest to goodness question circling within my soul. Hello…anybody home?
Oh the logistics of my whereabouts are accounted for, but the “me” I am so familiar with seems to be missing. I am not depressed. I know what that looks and feels like. I am not oppressed, I have been there too. I am simply too pooped to come out to play. Every day for the past three weeks I have awoke in the morning and begun my search. Or I lie awake through the night unable to properly sleep, thus getting a jump start on my quest. I am looking for my Sunshine, Lollipops, and Rainbows. I am hoping for the feelings of “everything that’s wonderful is how I feel when we’re together” to return into my view again. You know, my Lesley Gore!
Yes I have been lost before. However, I have never before been in a predicament of unfamiliarity as result of too much pressure. I have been blue, I have been burdened, I have been overwhelmed, and I have been tired. But being in a place of enduring the weight of too many difficult circumstances culminating simultaneously equating to a pressurized intensity unbearable to my body, mind, and soul, is new terrain.
Unable to speak. Unable to write. Unable to muster up the energy for thought. Pressurized, and thus, vaporized.
I began to formulate an ‘SOS’ type text to send out to my girlfriends who I figured could handle a cry for help. But even that weight felt too heavy to lift; end result, delete. Prayer. Ah, the Heavenward thoughts which unite the human spirit with the spirit of One. Key word in previous sentence being, “thoughts”…mine are bankrupt. Fill in the blanks.
As I sit here in my living room writing, post a three week hiatus, my husband enters into the room to inform me our plumbing has backed up yet again. We have a root ball blocking our sewage flow. Tomorrow the dig will begin, at least I will know where to find me…on another path leading toward shit. I think I’ve written about that in the past. Sorry, the color brown seems to suit me. And a statement like that does echo the voice of depression, I apologize. I am merely utilizing my literary license to invoke the melodramatic. Truly, sewage problems I can handle…I know how to squat over a bag covered bucket!
Sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows…the search continues. “Lesley, are you out there?!”
P.s. It is a good sign that I was able to formulate a post. Cheers to that! Now may you please enjoy the song, and remember it’s that time of year again when the baby king hides out in a cake.